This is something I just don't get - women being women's worst enemy. My mom raised me with a sense of sistserhood. I found out the hard way that not all women shared my sense of sisterhood - a friend aggressively pursued my ex-husband, which ultimately ended out marriage. Of course, in the long run, she did me a huge favor. But I find that if you are sincere and open and treat other women the way you expect to be treated, for the most part, they treat you in kind. Are there women out there who are competetive and mean to other women? Of course. But I think most reasonably intelligent women can spot that kind - just avoid them if you can. If not, then kill 'em with kindness. I think my method is very successful. I am blessed with many good female friends. My best friends from grade school and high school are still dear friends. Of course, I have had experience with women being evil woman-haters, but I believe that if that's what you expect from women, then that's what you will find.
I was 16 when "women's lib" hit the headlines. But as soon as I started hearing about it, I knew that it was a great thing. I was a kid who wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up (that, and a writer, actress, and horse trainer). I was 16 in a very un-feminist (or people-ist) world. I remember. It most certainly was NOT better than this. It seems that the word feminist has gotten a lot of bad press, but to me, all it means is equality. Men and women are different (vive la difference!), but EQUAL - in value, in potential, in what they can contribute to the world and their families. Neither men nor women should have to be denied an opportunity because of their gender. It has nothing to do with behaving like a man or dressing like one or toning down our femininity to achieve those opportunities. Yeah, that's what it meant to some women during the "revolution," but not the majority, I think. It meant freedom to be who they were and that was especially good if they were not women who enjoyed being a subservient, passive, susy homemaker who had to dumb down for a man. AND freedom to enjoy SEX! I always like to say that I was a young woman in the golden age of sex - after the pill and before AIDS.
Man-hating lesbians? Oh, yeah, they are out there. Even man-hating heteros. And woman-hating heteros and woman-hating gays. There are a lot of people-hating people; we see it every day. I don't think this has anything to do with feminism. It's just insecurity and downright mean-ness, among a probable plethora of psychological crap.
I'm sad if visions of man-hating lesbians enter people's heads when they think of feminists, but I imagine these people are not very enlightened. Another blogger, Lunachick, posed a very interesting question about how helpful it was to encourage women to have careers, becasue today they still are the ones doing the majority of housework and child-raising while working outside the home. But I think it was necessary. No revolution (and believe me, it was just as much a revolution as other civil rights activism) can be won without mistakes. The hope, at least mine, is that someday, men and women can live and work together using each of their own individual attributes to their best in a balanced way. Not all women want to stay home with the kids and not all men want to be the breadwinners. [Not all women WANT kids, and don't even get me started on that one. I know some really fine women who have to take crap from this society on a fairly regular basis for not wanting children. What, better to have unwanted kids just to meet some societal norm? Right.] I hope those people find each other. I don't think there needs to be a "traditional" format of a family - the Father Knows Best kind - but as long as family members have defined roles and everyone is happy with those roles, I think then you have a formula for a successful family and world.
I think there are several reasons women are still holding most of the bag all these years after being "liberated." Mainly, the media (yeah, the usual whipping post), AND I think it's our own fault for buying into it. Very few women can "have it all," and if they do, they have the support of a very understanding, giving and enlightened partner. J9, who posted on Lundachick's blog, quoted her friend, "We as women can have it all..just not at the same time." This is the truth. And maybe from now on, I'll consider myself as a people-ist with a side of feminism.
Great topin, Lunachick! I'd love to hear from more people on this.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
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8 comments:
Unfortunately, we live in a misogynist world. You're not a people-hater at all, and you're a good and true friend. Your mamma did a good job.
I think we have to be grateful to the women warriors who sacrificed so much to remind men of the power women hold. I think we're coming up on Part 2 based on the socio-economic disadvantages women increasingly face, the lack of support at work and at home, and the unrelenting pressure to be something that we're not by the media (however each woman defines that).
What got lost in the first battle was the love between men and women, between mothers and children. I doubt the need to repeat that. Men and children aren't the enemy so much as we are our own worst enemy. Let's face that. We need to find a way for women to love ourselves and each other enough to stick together and make some changes: compensation for raising families in the form of income, health and retirement benefits; better and more affordable childcare for parents who have to or want to work; better national nutrition programs; better recreational programs; better protection for children and families from criminals; better public education, etc. We need to invest far more in families if we want to have a healthy society and a healthy world.
That's what I think, anyway.
Very well said. I'm not too sure that the love between men and women and between mothers and children was lost. And I'm not sure that we are our own worst enemy. But I can see how, thanks to a variety of influences, women can have lower self-esteem than men and that can translate to getting in our own way. And I while I don't think it's a misogynist world, it's certainly a world with more than a fair amount of misogyny.
I'm not sure I like the idea of my taxes paying someone else to stay home and raise their kids, though, if that's what you mean, but all the other things, especially "We need to invest far more in families if we want to have a healthy society and a healthy world." I think we need to be more accepting of everyone's personal definition of "family." But a better world does start with a functional family.
Nancy, you are one sharp cookie and I'm so glad you are my friend. I learn a lot from you. And...HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! :) What is it...12 years?
Oh yeah, women who don't want kids..THEY take a beating. And really, why? Shouldn't these people be respected for knowing what they want? How many parents do you see out there that are resentful, every day of their lives, of the fact that they have kids. Usually manifests itself in abuse of those kids. It's a shame we don't applaud these people for not caving into peer pressure that involves a living being.
People are really so nosy and intrusive though. How about people that ask parents of gilrs why they aren't going to "try" for a boy?
Love it.
And Yes, Nancy, I'm with you. Misogyny is alive and well, along with racism, and a whole bunch of other -isms. We like to believe we've rsien above that. Maybe on paper.....but not in day-to-day things.
It's the choosing of sides that is not a good thing. All kinds of people can suck, and all kinds of people can be nice..that said, maybe I ought to rethink my expectations of women so I'm not so one-sided at times.
Gawd, you guys are so eloquent! And it sounds like you might take another look at how you prejudge women. I hope so. We are wonderful creatures...look at the two of you! If we expect and look for the best from our sisters, we will be more likely to find it.
And get this. My sis has been married for, I don't know 16-18 years now. When they are at a party meeting other couples, they would invariable be asked, so how long have you two been married. When they answer, the next question was, "how many children do you have." When they say none, the reaction was almost always a pitying look of sad understanding and maybe a "sorry." When they said they chose not to have children, one person actually said, "don't you think that's selfish?" !!! If we are being really honest with ourselves, there are really no unselfish reason for having kids. I dare you to come up with one. "I have so much love to give." "It's what's expected of us." "I always wanted to be a mommy." Whatever. Not that some of these aren't good reasons, but it always comes down to "I." Any choices we make for our lives are basically about "I." Until we actually become parents, and then the good ones make decisions for their lives that is in the best interest of their kids.
As Nancy says, that's what I think, anyway. :)
Hi ya TM,
Well here is another twist for all of us "sisters" in the world. How about being gay and having a child/children and the perception that is thrown at me and my family. It's OK for some people that I am gay but to have a child who was planned and is well loved with a balanced life you should hear some of the remarks I have gotten over the years. How about...."How can you bring a child into this world. Don't you ever worry about how he will be teased and taughted?" Well I got news for people who think like that....All children get pick on at one time or another. That is life. It is what we teach our children to do in senarios that come up. I have taught my son to use good strong verbal communication and if that doesn't work to walk away.
Then there is always the inevitable question, "Well which one of you is the man?" or how about getting calls from ignorant people on Fathers Day wishing me a Happy Fathers Day!!! Talk about a society who is ignorant beyond belief! A woman is a woman whether she is straight, gay, A-sexual or bi-sexual.
I say stay strong my sisters and remember to be kind and loving to one another. Life is too short to hate. Life is too precious not to try to better yourself and make a difference in this world. It's friends like you TM that reminds us just how good the sisterhood is :)
Yes, I agree Caroline. There are enough unwanted children in this world. So many could be avoided if people could accept the fact that either they don't want children or that they know they would make bad parents, instead of being swayed by the pressure of society. And that kind of fits into what DP says.
Great to hear from YOU, DP. I say, that there is a difference between ignorance and stupidity. For those who are ignorant, it's not really their fault, and maybe it's up to you to enlighten them. Especially the ones who call up to say happy father's day. They mean well, they just don't know how insulting they are. Some may be gently guided on track. Others will just stew in their own ignorance, and THAT makes them stupid.
You know what? I think everyone has to deal with SOME kind of shit when it comes to being, or not being, a parent. I think that the best we can do is try to make as educated and enlightened a choice as we can, and try to live in peace with it, no matter what anyone else says. If they don't accept it, they aren't really meant to be in your life.
And here!here! to your call for us women to be kind and loving and supportive to each other, regardless if someone makes a choice that would not be ours.
I guess I'm still a hippie...an old hippie, but shite..peace, love, and rock n roll, dude!
LOVE that one about worrying your child will be teased because you are gay.
Umm....my parents weren't gay, but man, kids sure found plenty of stuff to tease me about!
Ignorance.
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